Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
