What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
