and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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