so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
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