Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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