All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
