Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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