I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
