My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
