She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
