the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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