I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Randomize
