I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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