I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
