I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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