There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize