I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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