the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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