pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
