I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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