I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
