Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
If lil wayne asked you to lick him like a lollipop I feel that you would willingly oblige.
Unfortunately I think I would lick most anyone's lollipop.
It's your form of community service; servicing the greater SDSU area.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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