So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
