considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize