Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize