its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
