Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
