Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
