Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
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