I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
His nipple licking is glorious
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