Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
