Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
