dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize