That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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