Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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