How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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