Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
They should really pass out barf bags in church
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize