Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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