I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
