I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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