There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
