You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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