i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
You may now shotgun with the bride
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
