She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
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