I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
