why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
