So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Randomize
