Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
