I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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