If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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