my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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