nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
