I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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