Your face is a jimmy john
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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