I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
