Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
