So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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