Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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