I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
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