What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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