weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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