Got a toothbrush?
Are we in a gay sports bar?
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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