I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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