toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Randomize
