Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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