I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize