I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
